Feel Like a Fraud

I have a confession to make, I feel like a big fat fraud. That seems harsh and I've been working lately on accepting complements but for the past few years I don't like to get complements about me (characteristics, some talents, personality, etc.) except if they have to do with with a big event with work that I have worked by butt off to make it successful. I feel uncomfortable when someone complements me or says that I inspire them. Afterwards I feel guilty for dismissing them. The guilt I think comes from taking the blessing from someone who gave the complement if that makes any sense at all. Its hard to accept a compliment because I see all the places or areas where I feel as though I am failing or lacking instead of looking at what good I have done or how far I have come.

I actually confessed this to my friend last week. She was borrowing my truck and so we were riding together and she said that I inspired her and I told her how much of a fake I felt. In my mind she has so many other people who are much more qualified to inspire her in life. It was an interesting conversation because I told her I wish I was more crafty and able to cook like she does. And she related to me that she didn't think her crafts were that amazing. It started me thinking that maybe in general we are too critical of our own abilities and talents. Maybe we don't see the inspiring parts of our lives because we are so busy focusing on getting the muck and crap in our lives that we don't see the flowers that our crap has created.

A few months ago I had a conversation with a high school classmate who was struggling going back to school and I shared that I had struggled through college and that especially after my mom died that I just didn't really care anymore about classes but I stuck it out and in graduate school I tried kickboxing (before it was a fad) in a real boxing gym to relieve stress. I didn't want to compete, I just wanted to hit something so I could cope with the stress of graduate school. I shared that it had helped a lot. What was so strange that in his opinion, I was one of the smart kids that had my life together. And maybe from the outside it seemed that way but privately I doubted (and even now) my knowledge level. I even would be frustrated that I would study for hours and pull a B and friends would barely study and get an A.

Over the last few years I have felt like I have had to struggle and go the extra mile to accomplish most things that others seem to accomplish fairly easy. It's even gotten to the point in the last few months that when a friend fails or struggles I find some comfort in their struggle. I know that makes me sound like a horrible friend and person and there is guilt there. I am just trying to be honest with you and more importantly with myself. Don't get me wrong, I have a great life and feel very blessed because I have not had to deal with things like cancer, divorce, death of a spouse/child or loss of a job. I live a very fortunate and blessed life.

But back to my conversation with my friend, hearing that she has self doubts and insecurities actually made me think that maybe we all doubt our abilities when we compare ourselves to others. That by taking away or discounting someones opinion that we have inspired them or we have encouraged them in their life we are taking the blessing away from them of being inspired.

Maybe instead of always putting the Sunday Best or the Window Dressing out there for everyone to see we should start being more authentic with each other and really encouraging others in their lives and with their struggles. It means being real with each other.