I Miss You

Disclaimer: I don't always write about running but I wrote this last night in my head and needed to get it out before I forgot the rest of what I haven't already forgotten.

I have been sick three times in the last 7 weeks (twice since the Diva race) or so to the point that I haven't worked out- running. My asthma has been horrible to the point that I sound like a pack a day smoker and my cough is just irritating. I've walked and that's fine but I just don't feel the want-to to go out on my normal wogging path (half walk half jogging). The path is a loop through the neighborhood and if I add in a few side streets and even cul-de-sacs I can squeeze 4.5-5 miles out of a 3.8 mile loop. I never thought I would ever utter the words- I miss running. It's not about the running- I'm really, really bad at it but it's more about the dripping-with-so-much-sweat that you actually stink to the point you can't even stand being next to yourself and challenging yourself to beat your time or in my case run farther segments. When my friends Dana and Christi ran one time in my neighborhood with me they each had a small glimpse into how I think when I run. Which in case I haven't mentioned, Dana was a great running buddy because she walked faster than me but we ran about the same speed. She rolled her ankle almost back to the house and being the worst friend in the world, was trying to stop my running app while I was asking her if she was OK because I didn't want to mess up my per minute mile average. Thankfully she forgave me.

I run to things- for example, Here's how my brain works during a run on a Friday.I leave my house after starting my Charity Miles app (earning meals for Feeding America because someone besides me should also get something out of my workout and if I can't have choose not to eat a cheeseburger someone should) I start my Run Keeper app to track my mileage and time. I walk to the corner house and then tell myself run to the other end of the street. If the landscapers are at one of the houses in the middle, I think ok hold your breathe when you go by so you don't breathe in the fumes from the exhaust and start wheezing. (I know I shouldn't hold my breath but I don't like exhaust fumes they are bad for my asthma). If the house cleaner is at the house at the end of the street I have to run past her van and circle the sidewalk to the next house marker.   I walk till I can breathe and then run to another house marker then walk a little more but then I make myself run to the gate and walk out the gate and turn to go up the side of the community towards the end of Recker. At this point if I'm doing only 3 miles, I stick to Recker and just the main loop, if I'm adding mileage I go down one side street walking when I need to breathe and then running to things- cars, a shadow, the stop sign on the opposite side of the road, the house that use to have the for sale sign, ect until I get  to the hill that runs across the back of Red Mountain Ranch Area. It's not a large steep hill but it's deceiving because you think you are at the top and then you realize it gradually keeps going so. I learned a few weeks ago that by running on the opposite side of the street the scenery is different and that I could go farther up the hill than before, that it was a mindset that I couldn't go farther than the second cactus past the light post that was just past the garbage can.

Don't judge the writing, I'll never have a job at ESPN!

And here's what my brain and I talk about on the way up. (All of about 45-60 seconds). OK make it to the second cacti past the light pole that is past the garbage can. "OK Run. Keep running, maybe I should switch to the side walk then I'm closer to the garbage can, I need to focus on praying for my prayer list, OK you are almost to the garbage can, I want to stop, I can't do this, just make it to the light pole. OK you'll make to the light post you can stop there, No suck it up and go the rock past the cacti because you don't think you can do it." And I stop at the rock or the cactus after the rock. This whole thought process goes on after I've walked about 30 seconds and am ready to hit the rest of the hill "Ok, start at the bench this side of the metal box and go to the second-rock-past-the-light-post-that-is-around-the-corner-just-before-the-God-Bless-America-sign-that-is-hanging-on-the-fence.  I'm always running towards something and I can't run past my house if I am short mileage because that just messes with my head. In between my self talk,sometimes I channel my cousin's husband who is USMC and imagine him yelling at me to "suck it up buttercup" (I don't know if he has ever said those words in real life and if he wasn't family might be scary). Running lets me work out problems or allow myself to be creative and let my mind wander but more often than not I have used that time to pray for people in my life that are hurting or celebrating. I pray for my friends for their first year of marriage and pray for them during their pregnancy and the first year of the kid's life. But I also pray about my county Farm Bureaus. There's a lot of pressure on our leaders of our counties and there's only so much I can help them with. I can do the Farm Bureau stuff easy but sometimes their stresses come in the form of water shortage and drought, equipment failures, crop failures, livestock diseases, or just the very high cost of growing our food and fiber that we take for granted or sometimes it's family stuff- health issues, adoption. I also pray for my family for the same things- health, business, that we just all get along and finally I pray for my youth group. It's nice having a small group because we get to know them but also I can picture each of them for different running segments and pray for them. They have a lot of challenges that I don't think I was aware of when I was their age- peer pressure (not any where close to what we had back in the day), college, future, parents, siblings.

I miss the feel of the pavement under my feet and I miss the running to the second rock past the bush that is just past the second light post. I miss the high you get from seeing improvement. I know I will be back, I just don't know when but when I do we have a lot of catching up to do. And I want to see if my perspective has changed.

Footnote: if you are a runner and you haven't heard about Charity Miles you might want to check them out they have over 20 charities to choose from and if you walk, run or bike they earn things. And it's free to use. They get their money from sponsorships.  You just have to post to your Facebook or Twitter account how many miles you have gone (they have it pre-typed out for you) when you finish.