One Month

So it has been four weeks as of today.

Here's the lessons from the last two weeks:
1. It takes a long, long time to eat cauliflower if it's puréed.
2. Walking may not be my favorite but at least I am doing something.
3. I don't have time for snacking.
4. Sometimes you need prayer to quiet the voices.
5. Netflix will be your friend.

It's been good and bad. I gave you the run down of the first two weeks last time. These two weeks have set me up for the long haul. It's more mind over matter.  I was able to shift from liquids to pureed foods and yesterday I'm now on soft foods. But really what I want to eat is something with a crunch. I haven't crunched on anything but ice since two weeks prior to surgery. I get to crunch in eight more weeks when I hit my three month mark. Then look out salad here I come!!

In the pureed stage you can have two ounces of protein (eggs, refried beans, cottage cheese, ricotta cheese) and a quarter cup of pureed fruit or cooked veggie. Did you know that if you take a head of cauliflower and cook it, puree it, it takes almost two weeks to eat it all? By then you are so sick of it you don't want to see anymore.

Through this process I have realized that my stomach doesn't handle some food that was my staples prior to surgery such as protein shakes, yogurt, squash, humus, or certain flavors such as bananas. I can eat a banana but don't make me drink something flavored banana. I have also realized that grapes with the skin on it, upset me stomach so if I want a grape, I have to peel it.

Besides the food changes, there has been a lot of other changes or struggles- mostly in my mind. It's hard in just four weeks, or even the year in preparation of surgery, to get rid of the voice in my head that has always been negative. Some will understand this voice, it's a constant looping tape saying- "you can't leave food on your plate (container), you are going to fail at this, it won't work, you couldn't do it on your own, why do you think you can do it now,  why are you eating that, just work out" and on and on. In the quiet hours of the late night when I used to snack to quiet the voice it sometimes would come back. One night it was strong and I panicked. I new I was going to fail. I had weighed myself that morning and hadn't lost weight. I have heard this voice in my head and from others my entire life. Imagine being in grade school and told you can't sit on that side of the car because you weigh too much and the shocks will rub or if you eat that it will make you fat,

It doesn't help that your only form of exercise is to walk and you hate walking unless it's with friends and you get coffee at the end (I don't get to have coffee yet, either). So I was a cranky, tired person the third week of recovery. Last week was a little better but the scale hadn't moved much. I had lost 18 pounds in the first two weeks and barely any (in my mind) the last two. I knew I was going to go to my doctor's appointment and be a disappointment. What got me over the hump that terrible night was reaching out to two of my cousins and asking for prayer.

Yesterday I was hoping my doctor would let me go back to my crossfit gym and let me at least get into a pool to swim. I had a ton of questions for the nutritionist because I was still tracking my food and was slowly creeping close to the 1200 calories a day. I was hitting my 60 grams of protein and working towards my 55 oz of water. Both the nutritionist and the doctor must have thought I had lost my mind. The nutritionist explained that I will be at 1200 calories and that I still do my 3 meals a day and if I need more protein to do a shake or snack to get it. Eating a snack takes an hour and 15 minutes to fit into my day. She also explained that I was suppose to lose more during the first two weeks post op because I was on liquids, As I transition to solid foods, it will slow but that I will continue to lose weight for the next 12-18 months just from hormones and crazy stuff my body is experiencing.

The doctor did not release me to the gym and told me to keep walking but did let me start swimming. So now I'm going to be hanging out at friend's houses that have pools. I talked with him about my slowing weight loss as well. In my mind the 20+ lbs lost in the four weeks doesn't seem like a lot but then I remember that when I would go to Weight Watchers, I'd follow the program and lose half a pound. He said the goal of the program is to get a person to lose 35% of the total excess weight by month three. I asked him where I was on the measurement of that goal. He laughed and said that I hit the benchmark in my first month. Surprise!! He went on to say that I was an ideal patient that followed the program and was making results. It just goes to show you what your mind will make you think.

I do think these last two weeks have been a struggle in my mind and I do believe some of it has been a spiritual war. My book club is reading This Present Darkness and it explained a lot of what was happening to me mentally. I have to fight the voice in my head and now that I know its a battle, there may be times that I will be fighting in reality when someone isn't supportive. I've come to realize that I don't have the time or the energy to deal with added negativity. The voice in my head is just fine and doesn't need any outside help in making me feel bad about choices.

Physically, I am feeling better. I'm not as tired and I've dropped a size or two depending on the cut. I've also lost half a size in my shoes so I had to say goodbye to quite a bit of my clothes and hoping that I say goodbye to several more in the next coming months. I even have an accountability group for walking so that I do it and not just sit around. And I have goals.

Some of my goals are weight related but my friend Ann encouraged me to set some goals that had nothing to do with a number on a scale. I will tell you that I am only 14 pounds away from what I weighed when I started my senior year of high school at 16. That is mind blowing in and of itself.

My non scale goals are to do a pull up at the gym unassisted, also do a handstand pushup (they kind of scare me). Out of the gym, I want to learn to swim, try paddle boarding, finish a half marathon in under 3 hours so that I can do a marathon and finally, hike the Grand Canyon Rim to Rim. There are other ones that are mental that are going to sound strange but eventually I want to never have to think "Will I fit there," or "Will this chair fit/hold me," an so many more thoughts that skinny people don't ever think about but some of us extra fluffy people usually think in any situation.

I'll update again at the three month mark. It's been a journey. I feel bones that I have never felt before and it's strange but fascinating.