Influence of One Man

I've started this blog in my head several times. It's important and I didn't want to miss something important in thanking Doug Breese for his decades of service to the Crook County community and the Crook-Wheeler County Farm Bureau.

Doug-  Your countless hours and years of service to our community in Crook County and to Farm Bureau have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. I for one want to give you  a heartfelt thank you for letting me volunteer with you and your board at Farm Bureau events when I was in high school. You and your board gave me the opportunity to have experiences that widened my viewpoint and let me do things I never would have been able to do on my own. My career and leadership development is a testimony to your service and dedication to Farm Bureau and your investment in your community and the youth. I will never be able to fully thank you for the impact that you have had on my life. - Thank you, Elizabeth Foster.

I saw Doug this summer walking down the street with his wife. They were either headed to lunch or from lunch back to the office. I wanted to honk and wave but I knew he wouldn't recognize the new truck or possibly even me- it's been over 25 years since I've lived full time there. I did however think to myself- there goes the guy who impacted my career and doesn't even realize it. And I want to have what he has when I’m his age. Not the bank account, or the awards or even the herd size. I want to make an impactful difference in some person’s life.

This Fall, the Crook-Wheeler County Farm Bureau President in Oregon retired. It's not something new in any organization but when my dad mentioned it I reflected back on Doug Breese's years of service. Over the course of many rotations through the leadership both county and state, he served the county Farm Bureau for 40 plus years. Farm Bureau and service is in his DNA. He wasn't the first Breese family member to serve and he won't be the last. I know his parents and son spent many hours serving both the state and community through Farm Bureau. And Doug, like any volunteer leader will tell you, he didn't do anything special, he just filled in because no one else would do the job. But- and here's the kicker- the humble service attitude of showing up and helping out changes people's lives. They don't get paid to do these positions. They might get at trip to the state or national meetings paid for but that means they are missing time from their farm or ranch, someone else is picking up the slack back home and they might be missing out on school programs, 4-H or FFA meetings or just plain time with family. We ask a lot of our members and sometimes it doesn't seem like it's worth the sacrifice. But let me tell you it is. You could substitute Doug for anyone in any of the county Farm Bureau's or other groups across the country and I bet you could find someone who has had their life changed because of them.

Doug and his parents and the Crook-Wheeler County Farm Bureau changed my life. My family couldn't afford to join the Farm Bureau until the last five or six years. I'm sure my grandma was a member but we weren't involved so I didn't have the leadership opportunities our young members have today through Young Farmer and Rancher or the Women's Leadership or Promotion and Education committees. My life changing moment's that Doug Breese represents and spearheaded came from FFA. There are tons of opportunities in the FFA to learn and experience things. I was never the best prepared public speaker, skills contest, Ag Sales team member but I learned skills that at the time I thought were fun and helpful never realizing the time and money the local Farm Bureau and Doug Breese were giving me were going to lead me down my eventual career path. Not in the sense of, I learned a skill and later used that for my career but in the sense of this experience gave me the resume to get me to the next level.

I've been with Farm Bureau for almost 19 years. It's a good organization and I'm blessed to work with some of the best people in the world. Just like other staff at other Farm Bureaus or even other volunteer, non-government organizations you spend countless hours helping those in the industry with whom you work with. For me it's always been about agriculture. My family has always been ranchers and unfortunately the land could not support two families so I took an off-ranch job out of college. And as I look back at all those years and see all the people who I've worked alongside of all these years, I, like them sometimes wonder if all the effort, and time given to groups such as Farm Bureau and FFA and fill in the blank are worth it. Did we make a difference. And I'm going to have to say yes. You may not see it the impact because it takes years and sometimes those who you have changed their lives or made their lives better from your work have moved many miles or states away.

As I said earlier, my family wasn't a Farm Bureau member because that was an expense we couldn't really afford when we were scraping together money for food and utilities. I took an animal to fair each year, not for the fun of it but as the necessary means of buying school supplies and clothes. I didn't have a first day of school outfit because our fair checks came a few weeks after school started. My FFA career gave me opportunities that at the time were new and not something our chapter or kids from my school necessarily did. It wasn't common to send kids to National FFA Convention or to leadership conferences like Washington Leadership Conference (it was called Washington Conference Program when I was in high school). My sophomore year, my advisor suggested I go to the National FFA Convention. It was in Kansas City and I knew there would be no way I could attend- we couldn't afford it. The local Farm Bureau was going to be working the hospital's foundation auction . They asked the FFA to help and I volunteered because if I did, they would give money to the chapter for us to go to convention. That one act of partnering with the local FFA chapter changed my future. They went on to have us help them with other events or programs and continued to sponsor kids to go to events. I later went to the leadership conference in Washington D.C because they gave us opportunities to volunteer with them  I was short of funds, Doug offered to let us transplant mint fields.

I tell you all this because the skills I gained in FFA being able to participate in things built my  I in college I had the opportunity to interview and be appointed to fill a spot on the student council for the remaining year. In the interview I shared all the things I had done in FFA and the community events I participated in. I was told the reason they appointed me was my FFA experience. A year later because of the FFA experience and the partial year on the council I was the one assigned to represent students on the college Board of Education. That lead to other leadership roles when I transfered to the university.

After college, I moved to Arizona and six months later I was working at Farm Bureau. I'm on my fourth position at Farm Bureau and I've spent a few years working with the FFA here in the state and many years volunteering with local FFA chapters judging contests and supporting programs. I believe in the FFA but I know I would not have the love and passion for FFA or agriculture if the local county Farm Bureau had not been as supportive of the local FFA chapter.

I attended a Crook-Wheeler County Farm Bureau board meeting a few years ago. A couple of the people were the same from when I was in high school back in the early 90's and a few were new but the board and the meeting could have taken place anywhere. Farmers and ranchers are a special group of people. They have always come together when a community needs them- even when the community is across the state or across the country. They show up to plant a field for a neighbor who is taking care of his sick wife, they ship hay to fire ravaged areas to help a fellow rancher or they invest in the kids because you never know which kid you are going to radically change their life.

I know I wouldn't have ended back on the ranch after high school but the Farm Bureau gave me opportunities as a FFA student. I thought of college and then I dreamed of being at the University and then finding my niche in my own career with Farm Bureau. So I hope one day when I retire, a kid comes along and says what I want to say to Doug Breese.

Doug and his wife Jean being recognized by Oregon Farm Bureau. Photo credit: Oregon Farm Bureau.

The Power Behind Us

A couple days ago I was reading a Bible Study about the transition of leadership between Moses and Joshua and the Israelites as they were in the desert. They were crossing the Jordan river at flood capacity and just like when they crossed the Red Sea, God held up the waters and the entire group was able to cross over on dry land.

In it, the author made the following statement, "The leadership has changed but the power behind the leaders is the same."  Sometimes when I read scripture or a devotion it reminds me of something in my life either personal or work related. This one struck me as work related. In the last two years we have had a lot of change at work both on the national and state level. In my personal life there has been change as well.  This statement and the passage that supported the devotion made me think alot about the leadership changes we are experiencing.

Two years ago the national level of my work selected a new president and a few months ago we, at the state level also selected a new president. We as a nation a year ago selected a new leader as president. All of these changes in leadership does not change the character of the organization or nation because we as a group are the power behind the leader. Just as God was the power behind the leaders Joshua and Moses there is power behind the new leaders. In the organization, it's the volunteer leader. They are the ones who vote on policy directions and determine the steps of the organization, the president is important and leads the way and makes sure all voices are heard but they can not accomplish their goals without the power of the volunteer force behind them. It's incredible to have the behind the scenes view point to see the work put in by the leaders in the organization. They dedicate hours to making sure the goals are being met and continue to strive to make the group better.

I personally have been through three presidents at the state level. They all have dedicated years, sometimes decades to leading the organization as county leaders then as state leaders before taking the reins as president. I know the first president worked hard to make sure the organization was financially sound and helped grow the staff from just a few people several. We are a small state as it goes in membership and staffing but we are mighty. I sometimes think that having a smaller staff gives us an advantage because so many of us are cross-trained in so many different areas, we get to live outside our job descriptions because we all pitch in for planning events and programs that might not be in our area. With smaller counties, our leaders also get more opportunities to participate in events and programs because they can become board members, committee members or program chairs quicker than some of the larger states. It doesn't mean smaller groups are better or worse than their larger counterparts. They are all part of the larger organization and part of the continuing strength and power of the organization.

The second president lead the organization into the digital age and from a staff perspective included the entire staff. He would walk down the hall and stop and visit with staff, not just directors but field staff, writers and admins. It was nice to feel included in the organization to be part of the inner workings of how the group was operating. It also allowed him to hear and see what happening within the volunteers as well as participate and "press the flesh" with the members. I see this with the national president as well. I really like that he has continued to get out to the states and visit with members just as his predecessor did and take it to a new level.

Our new president at the state level I know will continue to make the organization great because she understands the volunteer power and I'm looking forward to watching from the sideline to see her lead the group with the same power and strength that her predecessors have.

Just as there were struggles in the desert with the Israelites and they sometimes feared the unknown they had the power behind them and change is hard. It's much easier to stick with what we know even if we don't like it and its hard than to step out and trust there is something better and to walk to distance to achieve it. We just have to remember that in the journey there is power behind us. It can come from our faith, our community and the volunteer members who believe in the organization and work to build a better community or organization. Just because there is a new leader doesn't mean the power is new, it's always been there, it's constant and it doesn't change.

Tiny Little Peanut

Note: This has sat in my draft folder for over a year. I reread it and decided to publish it because it's a good reminder to me and spoke again to me- this time more about my workout and food issues. I'll be honest with you, I've struggled this last year not only in the gym but with the private battle I have everyday with food. So I'm sharing it with you guys and maybe something will jump out at you as a reminder for this coming year. 

My Bible Study has been going through Priscilla Shirer's Armor of God study. It's amazing and you should get it. What's even better, is my book club just finished This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti. If you read it first, you will be amazed and out the Armor of God fits so well with it. It's all about how the devil wants us to be unsuccessful and just be were we are and he uses the same old tactics that we always fall for. I'm easy to target, I have the same issues, I think we all do and so we end up in a cycle. For me one of the biggest has always been what other's think of me. I worry that people won't want to be my friend or like me because of me so I work really hard to be someone they need. I did it in my last job. Don't get me wrong I've loved my job and I helped them become better leaders, however I wanted them to really miss me- as in- falling apart because I'm not there to help them. It's sick, I know. God's been showing me a lot lately and teaching me alot.

So in my journey to be healthier- I've always worried what people thought of me. I'd run outside but stop when a car came by at first. And then I didn't want to go to the gym because I'm the fat girl who doesn't belong. I was afraid that people would sneer and make fun of me. The hoopla over the girl posting a picture fat shaming another woman at the gym a few weeks ago was my worst fear. I'm also not coordinated but I eventually had to stop listening to the loud voice telling me all of this. And just go. I found a gym that accepts and encourages all physical abilities and shapes. I still struggle with some of the exercises. Have you tried to get into a TRX machine with your feet and do a pick/knee tuck. I spend the 35 seconds of the round just getting my feet in. I'm getting better and I'm no longer afraid to ask for a modification so I can work up to the real deal. Three's no one putting someone down, instead there are celebrations for breaking a personal record- like doing a real burpee, increasing the height of the box jump or increasing your wall balls. Sometimes the voice comes back making you doubt yourself or worry but you just have to tell it to shut the hell up and move on. This is a lesson I'm learning through people I'm sharing my life with and through a couple studies I've done. And I've realized that when you stop listening to the voices telling you that you can't do something or that someone will judge you- you accomplish great things. You move forward and you start to live the life you are suppose to. All because you take one little step in trying something new and that leads to another small step and eventually you are far down the road and don't even realize the great things you've accomplished.

The other lesson God has really shown me is that letting something go is ok. I had shared with a few friends that I really missed being on the road and seeing my old members. They are family and I've missed them. I spent the majority of my life the last eight years with them. It's been hard not knowing what I'm doing and learning new things and feeling lost and not connected as I have in the past. Its been a struggle. And I know for a fact that this is where God wants me to be and that there are skills I'm learning to use for something else. One of my personal Bible studies I've been doing is a survey of the Old Testament. They have been going through the Isrealites and their 40 years in the desert. My study group this spring did a book on it as well.

I always think when I get to this story, why were they complaining and bitching about wanting to go back to Eygpt. They were headed to were God wanted them and they were in his plan. Yet they always wanted to go back. I just didn't get it and I still don't. They had all their needs provided and yet they always thought they were better off back where they had been- even though life was hard there.

It took me awhile to realize that I was having a kettle-pot moment of wanting to go back because in my mind it was easier. It wasn't easier- it was just different. Then I read a book about leadership and something jumped from the page and it was as if a brick had been dropped and I finally got it.

The book- Leadership is Hell by Rob Asghar, was talking about the UCLA coach John Wooden. Coach Wooden left at the top of his game. He did because he believed it was better to let the next generation of coaches to learn how to coach and play with out him leading them but that he would always be available to mentor and guide them if they needed or asked. I need to help the next crew of people coming to help my former members but be a resource. They can learn new things and try new things with new people and go beyond what I had to offer without feeling like a failure if they succeeded without me.   Seeing them grow on their own or without my day-to-day is going to now be a proud moment instead of a hurt because like my gym coaches they are celebrating in the success of what one can do if given several people encouraging and building them up. Eight years ago, the counties looked very different than when I finished last year. It was small steps and letting go and celebrating their work that has moved them down the path they are on.

It's amazing how so many things in the day-to-day tasks that God uses to teach us the bigger lesson to moving forward and being faithful in our journey.

It's Been A Year

Tomorrow marks one year. It's been a good year and a stressful year. The doctors and experts are right in that the weight comes off. It does at the beginning with little effort but then it slows and you have to work at it- not as hard as before but it's still being intentional of what you are doing.  This year has let me work on the mental aspect of it. Not just with food but with my whole self- the mental health, the struggle with accepting things won't be the same, that some things just have to be let go and move on, to accept the change.

I don't like change- I like routine. I'm ok with change as long as it isn't about me. I can handle a hotel calling a few days prior and saying they overbooked the facilities and that we now have half the meeting space. I can handle that- that's easy. Handling change that involves me and my routine or my groove in life- no thank you. I am strong- physically and mentally but this year has tested me in both areas and some days I just don't think I'm going to make it through the challenge. Some days I just want to sit down or stay in bed but I can't, it's just not in my nature. There are things to do.

I'm thankful for my friends who have encouraged me and helped me face my fears. For someone who appears to have their stuff together, I don't really have it together and I have a lot of insecurities and self doubt.

One of the hardest things to accept was that I'm not as strong as I used to be. I haven't yet been able to do a snatch at the gym since before surgery but I have been able to do burpees and increase my inches in box jumps.

I was good with giving up food until I smelled garlic bread. It has been a comfort food for me and I thought I had it beat until August when Dad had to have emergency open heart surgery. Both him and I have had a stressful and tough year. He now lives with me until we can get him a place in town. This is stressful for him and for me as well. It's been a challenge for both us. He is adjusting to not being able to drive all the places he normally does and see his friends and I've struggled with the added work and adjustment to having someone else around. There's planning now- figuring out when I'm going to the gym and trying to get a run or hike in but still be home to make his dinner and see him before he goes to bed. Sometimes more than I would like, my workout and training runs or hikes get dropped because there is a doctor appointment or dinner needing to be made or a bathroom cleaned. It's a stage of life and some days are easier for both us than others.  I've struggled with losing my hair in clumps and with loose skin and the fact now that because of skinny feet, I now have bunion pain and some days it's very painful to wear shoes.

There have been some incredible moments too. When I was able to buy a medium shirt or fit into a size 14. I still find myself going to the larger sizes and it may be awhile before I am naturally going to the right size. I was shocked when I ran faster. I know that's because of boot camp and dropping weight. I now have new running goals and want to push myself in that area. It's been nice to see the fruition of things my friends have said for years when they believed in me more than I did. One of my running mentors and the one that pushed me into running by challenging me has said that my fastest times are still to come. I took it as a small hope but after this past weekend, I can really see it and know that it is true. Flying and actually having space in the seat as well as extra belt left over were highlights as well on this journey.

I've done things this last year that I never thought I would. I hiked around and did snow angels on a glacier in Alaska in November. I ran 3 miles without stopping. I dropped to under 200 lbs which was the first time in my entire adult life. (I weighed 150 in 7th grade and 210 my senior year of high school). I did the Bisbee 1000 stair climb and actually enjoyed it. I ran a half marathon in a very hilly location and PR'ed by over 5 minutes. Ride a bike around Coronado Island for an hour and not dying. Being able to see my feet when I look down. to stretch my hamstrings by grabbing my foot. Touching my toes when I bend over. Being able to sit with my feet pulled up and my head resting on my knees. These are all things that I never would have dreamed I could do at all or again.

I have realized this year that losing weights doesn't solve all your problems. It solves some of your health problems but if you have food issues or relationship issues, those aren't solved overnight. There is no magic pill. You still have to work at those and sometimes you have to find a new coping mechanism.

I'm not where I wanted to be weight wise now that I'm a year out. I wanted to be down another 10 lbs but I'm learning to be ok with missing this goal because I've hit so many other goals that I think are more important. I can do almost all of the slider exercises at the gym and a burpee and I can run longer and faster. The weight will come eventually and I'm still dropping in sizes so there is still progress.

Heaviest weight and six months after surgery.

Bike Riding on Coronado Island

Receiving my medal for my fastest half

It's been a great year!

Six Months

Last week I hit my six month mark. It's seemed like a lifetime ago that I had surgery. So much of my life has changed and for the better, thankfully. I posted a picture to my Instagram account of how far I have come. I don't see the day to day changes because I see myself everyday. I see the physical changes in loose skin and bones or tendons now poking out or lines now running up my legs or arms where my muscles are now showing. I'm waiting for my six-pack abs but not sure if I'll ever see them under the loose skin, but I'm fine with just knowing they are there. I had my six month check up on Monday. My doctor was happy with my progress. I've gone from 275 to 198 and 55% of my visceral (extra) fat is gone. I'm 5% ahead of where I should be and would really like to hit my goal of 170 by the time I see him again in six months.

My workout buddy in Alaska. I wouldn't have been faithful in
my workouts without her.

There's been so many other changes that I've experienced that make me realize how far I have come. Baggier clothes, smaller sizes, being colder, being able to reach my toes when I stretch for workouts and running faster minute miles are just some of the changes I can see on the outside. On the inside I still struggle with food and my mind hasn't completely caught up with my stomach on some portions but I'm slowly getting there. I'm also changing the way I see myself. I used to be super critical and almost a bully in my thinking and self talk. I am celebrating the changes both physically and mentally. I'm content with my baggy arms and looser skin because it shows that I've worked hard. It's my badge for what I've accomplished. I rock the cute gym clothes that I never would have worn in my old self. And I'm learning as I go about holiday eating. I spent Thanksgiving with family and I managed to make it through dinner without the gut-busting-wear-your-fat-pants after meal feeling. Dad even bought a pumpkin pie since we didn't have it on Thanksgiving and one bite did me in, As much as I love pumpkin pie, I won't be eating it again because I didn't like how crappy it made me feel.

Alaska and Glacier in the background

I've experienced some other changes as well. I'm more willing to go out and try a new adventure or revisit childhood fun. Over Thanksgiving, my dad and I visited Alaska to spend time with family. In the past I would have walked out to the glacier and stopped and saw it and then walked slowly back to the car and struggled the entire time. This experience- we hiked out, climbed up, slide down and made snow angels on the glacier. Something a year ago, I would have been to uncomfortable to do much less enjoy. Dad said we all were "a bunch of kids" on the trip. I even signed up for another half marathon and am toying with the idea to do a half in every state over my lifetime. I don't have to run them (but I might see if I can).

Snow Angel on the Glacier

It's been a journey, this whole process, and I'm glad that I had the courage to take the leap. When I first started, I felt and had been told by some that it was the easy way out, I think it's harder because I have to be focused in on what I eat and I have to work out. It wasn't a magic pill. I still have to bust my butt at the gym to make a difference. The difference is that now if I eat a piece of cake or something super sweet (I did over Thanksgiving), then I have to deal with having my blood sugar spike and feeling weak and nauseated almost instantly. I've learned these past couple weeks, that even though I think I can handle it, I can't. I might get away with it once but if I repeat the process, it will come back to bite me and mess me up for a few days or even a week. It will make it so my body doesn't tolerate some of the good stuff (chicken, eggs, hamburger) that I normally eat and I have to reset my system. This is a consent learning process for me. Some days I earn an A+ other days I barely make a C-.  But it's my journey and I hope that someone along the way finds a nugget of inspiration or truth to help them on their journey. And that's why I've been sharing.

New Life, New Prespective

It's been three and a half months since surgery and my life is very different but yet the same. There are new realities- some good, some bad but you can't just sit down and whine and cry so you get up and move on. It's the only reality that's left. So you move forward just like every time your reality shifts.

Last blog post, or maybe the one before, was on my one month follow up. I was still in the recovery/.honeymoon phase. I had clean cancer reports come back and I was losing weight without working towards it. I'm still a bit in this phase but I have to work for it more and it's now more mental than anything.

The first time I went to a movie, I didn't enjoy myself. Usually a half-decent movie will get a better rating because I tolerated it for my love of popcorn. I love movie popcorn and it's not a food my body will digest, same with soda. So try sitting through a 2+ hour movie with just water. It wasn't fun and I think I hated the movie more. My second movie was better but I also had a better attitude toward not having popcorn. Time has passed and I've let the idea of buttery, salty, goodness pass (I still miss it). I also miss my ice cold soda and ice cream when it's hot. That too had to be worked through as I gave it up. It's a mental game. Sure I could have popcorn and soda but the popcorn would give me a stomach ache and the soda, burns my stomach from the carbonation and I was told I could still have it, if I let it go flat but it's not the same and so I'd rather just not start a bad habit again. I miss grilled cheese and other things but there have been so many more positives that I've experienced that the thing I've had to give up are nothing compared to the things I've gained. I've had to find new ways to deal with stress instead of turning to food. And the last few weeks have been stressful with having my dad have emergency open heart surgery for the third time because of an infection.

I've gained moments that some normal sized people take for granted. I have been overweight most of my life. I weighed 150 pounds in seventh grade and 210 starting my senior year of high school. So having normal moments has altered the way I view myself. Things like being in a hotel and having the towel wrap completely around and not showing any skin. I took a picture for my own memory. I was told I was in the wrong department shopping when I couldn't find anything that fit. The sales lady said maybe I should move away from the plus size section into the "normal" section of the store. Buying my first medium top, size 16 pants and wearing a size 14 pants have all been new experiences for me.

Don't get me wrong, I still think I am a big girl. I still have thoughts of "will that chair hold me?" or "am I going to fit in that chair, space, place?" These are things normal sized people don't think about but larger people do. I can tell you taking seven weeks off from working out messed me up. I missed the week prior to surgery because I didn't have the energy and then the six week recovery pretty much mentally and physically screwed with me. My week back I struggled, more than when I had started boot camp. I remember one workout were we had to do pull ups and dead lifts. I didn't have the strength I had prior. I could barely lift the bar or myself. I got pissed and then I cried and I was going to quit and my trainer and friend Patrisha told me it was alright and that I would get stronger so I stayed and finished the workout. I'm still not as strong as before but I'm getting there and I'm seeing improvements. I can run better, I can do a decent burpee and mountain climbers are not completely the devil that they were before. I also recently have been realizing that my journey can and will help others be healthier and that I can overcome anything. I can kind of do a pull up now so that's a goal of mine. Patrisha also pushed me to push myself so I faced my fear of box jumps and went from 18 inches to 20 inches. I'm still not comfortable with them but I'm getting there.

I've been taking more selfies because I'm starting to like myself. People have noticed my smaller self faster than I have. I caught my reflection this morning in the gym's window while working out and for a moment I didn't realize it was me. I love inheriting new clothes from friends and that's were I see my difference. I've taken measurements every two weeks or so since surgery and it's helped with the adjustment. If I was just dependent on the scale, I would have lost my mind six weeks ago. For four weeks the scale didn't budge- not a tenth of a pound. It just was stuck but I was dropping sizes. It still sticks every once in awhile but I'm not as obsessed with the scale as I once was. I hit my first goal of being under 210 a couple weeks ago and I'm close to my second goal of being under 200 lbs and my doctor's goal is for me to be 170 lbs so that's my third goal. The first time I saw the bones in my had it was slightly shocking. I had never seen my bones and it was weird. Just like I find it fascinating that I can pull my skin away from my arms (it's weird but cool) and I noticed this week that my legs are getting lines on the sides where my muscle is developing. Something I've never seen before. And my asthma is better controlled. I've started pushing myself running so I can feel my lungs struggling but nothing compared to what it was before when I was taking two asthma medicines a day. I'm also having to re-learn meal planning and grocery shopping. Buying a bunch of bananas or two squashes doesn't really work for me anymore because I find that I'm throwing out spoiled food before I can eat it. What food used to be consumed in one meal is now becoming a 2-3 meals.

It's not all roses, if I eat sugar I get sick about 12 hours later, sometimes sooner depending on what it is. I still don't have the energy or strength I had before and I will take 6-7 vitamins a day for the rest of my life. Another side effect is that my hair is falling out so I cut it trying to minimize it but it's getting worse and hopefully it will even out before I get to bald. And even though I am learning to accept it, my excess skin on my arms bugs me a little.

I am proud of my journey and how hard I have worked and what I have overcome. My dad hadn't seen me since right after I had to have the second EGD for them to tattoo the cancer area and when I showed up at his hospital room, he thought I was a nurse and it took him a minute to realize that I wasn't wearing scrubs so I wasn't a nurse and must be a visitor. Then he realized that it was me.

No matter the journey or the battle you are facing, You have to accept the new reality and as John Wayne says- even though you are afraid, saddle up anyway. You can't just give up and sit down and let the world pass you by. Get up and push through. You will be stronger because of it and you never know, you just might help someone on their journey too.

Far Left is when I started my journey (April 2015), middle is when I had surgery (May 2016) and Right is a few weeks ago (Aug 2016)

One Month

So it has been four weeks as of today.

Here's the lessons from the last two weeks:
1. It takes a long, long time to eat cauliflower if it's puréed.
2. Walking may not be my favorite but at least I am doing something.
3. I don't have time for snacking.
4. Sometimes you need prayer to quiet the voices.
5. Netflix will be your friend.

It's been good and bad. I gave you the run down of the first two weeks last time. These two weeks have set me up for the long haul. It's more mind over matter.  I was able to shift from liquids to pureed foods and yesterday I'm now on soft foods. But really what I want to eat is something with a crunch. I haven't crunched on anything but ice since two weeks prior to surgery. I get to crunch in eight more weeks when I hit my three month mark. Then look out salad here I come!!

In the pureed stage you can have two ounces of protein (eggs, refried beans, cottage cheese, ricotta cheese) and a quarter cup of pureed fruit or cooked veggie. Did you know that if you take a head of cauliflower and cook it, puree it, it takes almost two weeks to eat it all? By then you are so sick of it you don't want to see anymore.

Through this process I have realized that my stomach doesn't handle some food that was my staples prior to surgery such as protein shakes, yogurt, squash, humus, or certain flavors such as bananas. I can eat a banana but don't make me drink something flavored banana. I have also realized that grapes with the skin on it, upset me stomach so if I want a grape, I have to peel it.

Besides the food changes, there has been a lot of other changes or struggles- mostly in my mind. It's hard in just four weeks, or even the year in preparation of surgery, to get rid of the voice in my head that has always been negative. Some will understand this voice, it's a constant looping tape saying- "you can't leave food on your plate (container), you are going to fail at this, it won't work, you couldn't do it on your own, why do you think you can do it now,  why are you eating that, just work out" and on and on. In the quiet hours of the late night when I used to snack to quiet the voice it sometimes would come back. One night it was strong and I panicked. I new I was going to fail. I had weighed myself that morning and hadn't lost weight. I have heard this voice in my head and from others my entire life. Imagine being in grade school and told you can't sit on that side of the car because you weigh too much and the shocks will rub or if you eat that it will make you fat,

It doesn't help that your only form of exercise is to walk and you hate walking unless it's with friends and you get coffee at the end (I don't get to have coffee yet, either). So I was a cranky, tired person the third week of recovery. Last week was a little better but the scale hadn't moved much. I had lost 18 pounds in the first two weeks and barely any (in my mind) the last two. I knew I was going to go to my doctor's appointment and be a disappointment. What got me over the hump that terrible night was reaching out to two of my cousins and asking for prayer.

Yesterday I was hoping my doctor would let me go back to my crossfit gym and let me at least get into a pool to swim. I had a ton of questions for the nutritionist because I was still tracking my food and was slowly creeping close to the 1200 calories a day. I was hitting my 60 grams of protein and working towards my 55 oz of water. Both the nutritionist and the doctor must have thought I had lost my mind. The nutritionist explained that I will be at 1200 calories and that I still do my 3 meals a day and if I need more protein to do a shake or snack to get it. Eating a snack takes an hour and 15 minutes to fit into my day. She also explained that I was suppose to lose more during the first two weeks post op because I was on liquids, As I transition to solid foods, it will slow but that I will continue to lose weight for the next 12-18 months just from hormones and crazy stuff my body is experiencing.

The doctor did not release me to the gym and told me to keep walking but did let me start swimming. So now I'm going to be hanging out at friend's houses that have pools. I talked with him about my slowing weight loss as well. In my mind the 20+ lbs lost in the four weeks doesn't seem like a lot but then I remember that when I would go to Weight Watchers, I'd follow the program and lose half a pound. He said the goal of the program is to get a person to lose 35% of the total excess weight by month three. I asked him where I was on the measurement of that goal. He laughed and said that I hit the benchmark in my first month. Surprise!! He went on to say that I was an ideal patient that followed the program and was making results. It just goes to show you what your mind will make you think.

I do think these last two weeks have been a struggle in my mind and I do believe some of it has been a spiritual war. My book club is reading This Present Darkness and it explained a lot of what was happening to me mentally. I have to fight the voice in my head and now that I know its a battle, there may be times that I will be fighting in reality when someone isn't supportive. I've come to realize that I don't have the time or the energy to deal with added negativity. The voice in my head is just fine and doesn't need any outside help in making me feel bad about choices.

Physically, I am feeling better. I'm not as tired and I've dropped a size or two depending on the cut. I've also lost half a size in my shoes so I had to say goodbye to quite a bit of my clothes and hoping that I say goodbye to several more in the next coming months. I even have an accountability group for walking so that I do it and not just sit around. And I have goals.

Some of my goals are weight related but my friend Ann encouraged me to set some goals that had nothing to do with a number on a scale. I will tell you that I am only 14 pounds away from what I weighed when I started my senior year of high school at 16. That is mind blowing in and of itself.

My non scale goals are to do a pull up at the gym unassisted, also do a handstand pushup (they kind of scare me). Out of the gym, I want to learn to swim, try paddle boarding, finish a half marathon in under 3 hours so that I can do a marathon and finally, hike the Grand Canyon Rim to Rim. There are other ones that are mental that are going to sound strange but eventually I want to never have to think "Will I fit there," or "Will this chair fit/hold me," an so many more thoughts that skinny people don't ever think about but some of us extra fluffy people usually think in any situation.

I'll update again at the three month mark. It's been a journey. I feel bones that I have never felt before and it's strange but fascinating.

Two Weeks

Today marks two weeks since my surgery and a lot has changed but a lot is the same.

I had some thoughts and things I learned from this experience. So like David Letterman- here's my top ten lessons.

1. It's nice to hear a pre-op nurse tell you your "just a tiny little peanut." I've never been called tiny in my entire life.

2. It's nice to have a friend that will take you to the hospital at 5 am and stay with you three days. And you really get to know them and how they grew up and what they like to do or not do.

3. I am not much of a talker when I'm recovering. For those back home, you won't find that startling but for those down here it's shocking that I would usually only answer with a yes or a no and not talk much to anyone.

4. Your body doesn't want food but your mind still thinks about how food on commercials or what those around you are eating tastes. My dr said it's boredom hunger. Which is true. I was so bored at home but now that I'm back in my office I don't think about it.

5. A couple people offered to do a meal train for me but it just wouldn't work with my surgery and diet restrictions but someone needs to create a walking buddy train. I was so bored at home and so bored on my walks that it would have been nice to have someone walk with me. I didn't walk far .25 to 1 mile then finally 1.5 miles and very slowly.

6. I'm going to save a ton of money on groceries.

7. The nursing staff and doctors are some of the best and really put up with a lot.

8: I loved my flowers from Ann and my board. They were so pretty and made me realize that I shouldn't wait for someone to send me flowers, I should just get them myself to brighten my day.

9: I have worn a dress or very baggy shorts since surgery and I have found that I don't mind wearing dresses which may be a big shock to some people- especially my dad.

10.. This is going to be a long road and I'm ready for it but I've decided that I'm no longer going to put up with negative or unsupportive people. I don't need that in my life and if I come across as a bitch for saying something and your feelings get hurt, then so be it. You obviously never learned - "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

If you want to read in more detail about the last two weeks you can below.

First, a huge thank you to my friend Ann. Most people say they want to help or ask what I need. I really had no idea and I still don't really know how people can help. Ann has walked this path before me and I was thankful she was there, by my side for me. If she wasn't a teacher- she would make a great nurse. Her son is a nurse and I think he gets his bed side manner from her. And thank you to all who texted to see how I was. It was nice to know that I was missed and loved.

Ann came the night before and spent the night at the house then we were up at 4:30ish to get to the hospital by 5:30. We had to check in as a patient and then go upstairs to check in for the surgery. My pastor came and prayed with us. Then it was time to go back. I could not take the pregnancy test for the life of me. Even though I guaranteed I wasn't pregnant they still wanted me to pee in a cup and it took a lot of IV and about 40 minutes before I could. And it came back negative!!! Just as I predicted.

The admitting nurse made my day- maybe my year. I came to my room/bay and my gown and socks were laid out along with all the stuff they needed to attach and the bag to put my clothes in. She looked at me and said "You're just a tiny little peanut, I don't think that gown is going to fit."

Once I was all hooked up to IV and the monitors,  the stream of anesthesiologists, surgeon, assistant surgeon, assistant anesthesiologist and a few other people came through. Then Ann came back and said good bye. And that's all I remember. I don't remember moving to the operating room but I vaguely remember having an asthma or panic attack waking up as I was rolling out of someplace and someone feeding me ice chips- at first I thought it was snow because all I saw was a blurry white thing. Later I realized that was the spoon (I didn't have my glasses on to see).  The next think I remember is waking up in my bed in my room.

The doctor said that I should expect surgery to be around an hour to an hour and a half, that I would be on pain meds for awhile and that I would possibly bruised. My surgery was only 45 minutes and I stopped the pain meds and the nausea meds on Monday and was home by Tuesday afternoon and have yet to bruise. I am thankful I had a fairly easy recovery. Except for a few times that I had nausea it hurt more the actually being sick than anything. Oh, and my doctor gave me pictures of the different parts of my surgery. Nice color 4x6s. I joke that I paid for the spa package version.

I hurt a lot when I first got in the room and I remember trying to be on my side and gripping the bed handles because it hurt so bad- worse than any pain I've felt. I slept a lot that first day but I read on the board that I was to start walking by 2:30 and so I did. I think Ann and I made 2 laps the first time and I tried to add to it each time. By Tuesday we were bored with our floor so we walked around the 2nd floor too. Ann was great at helping me get unhooked from all the monitors and get my IV unhooked so I could either walk or use the bathroom.

Gib, Ann's husband came by for a quick visit and so did the Hipke family. I don't remember a lot because I would doze off then remember they were there and try and wake back up again. I did that a lot for the next couple of days. The nurses were amazing and on Tuesday again there was a parade of doctors and residents and nurses that came in to see my incisions- all five of them. I should have sold tickets because a couple of people came twice to check them out.

I had a hard time with the food which was strange for me on so many levels. The first day the food was broths and teas and jello maybe. I couldn't keep any of the broth down and usually I would take one or two bites and be done. Ann was a champion at getting me my bucket to be sick in and even when we went for a walk Tuesday morning, I had taken about about three steps out my door when I knew I was going to be sick. I said something and the poor nursing assistant was running back and forth trying to find something when Ann darted into my room and came back with my bucket. She was a life savor.  Ann would encourage me to try and eat a little more food at the meal times and to walk and move more.  Tuesday they said if I could eat lunch and keep it down I could go home. It was pudding, protein shake and creamed soup maybe. I ate the pudding and most of the shake but barely touched the soup. But I got to go home.

Tuesday my friend Emily came by. It's a good think that Ann was there because she and Emily visited while I slept. I was worried before the surgery that Ann would be bored at the house but she totally kept busy. She pruned a tree and other stuff. Getting into bed Tuesday night was crazy. It hurt to bend or sit or anything so I sort of flopped on the bed and wiggled my way (in a pain) into a place I could sleep.  I think on Wednesday she and I ran errands which was I sat in the car and walked around the two places we went. Thankfully they were short errands so I didn't have to sit and rest.

Then Wednesday night I was on my own and it wasn't bad. By then I had a bit of a routine down and I was managing well. I adapted some things since I can't lift over 10 pounds like- taking each individual thing out to the garbage and getting undressed/dressed in the laundry room so I don't have to carry my laundry basket. I even went on some short walks. I watched TV and tried to read but I went through all my saved shows and then tried to watch My 600 Pound Life on TLC, I can't watch it those people made me so mad. I tried Netflix and completed Call the Midwife and tried to watch a few new shows but just couldn't get into them. I attempted a couple books but just couldn't concentrate.

My doctor was pleased with my surgery when I saw him on Friday. He said I'm doing really well and should be able to go back to the gym at 4 weeks instead of a month. I still have some pain if I over do it and I still get really tired but I'm slowly getting back into my normal routine and self. I think on Friday I was more excited to see the nutritionist because she let me move from liquid to pureed foods. For the two weeks prior to surgery it was jello, sugar free pudding and broth. The two weeks after it was 2 ounces of Cream of Rice for breakfast, 2 oz of yogurt of lunch and 2 oz of creamed soup (straining out all the bits- mushroom, broccoli, or celery) I was so tired of those three things that I don't know if I'll ever eat any of them again- and some of you know my love for yogurt!

Now I can eat 2 oz of protein (refried beans, cottage cheese, ricotta cheese, mashed up hard boiled eggs) and a quarter cup of cooked veggies or smashed fruit. It's like heaven to have variety! I found that I had to have a schedule to eat and drink and if I get off the schedule or don't plan well then I miss a meal or don't get enough fluids in. Each morning I have to crush my two pills I took before surgery and have added a priolsec  to the mix. At first I tried chewable vitamins but I had to take 4 plus three calcium tablets. I switched to liquid vitamins and now just chew the calcium and vitamin D during the day. At night I take another priolsec pill. I'll have to take the priolsec for a year to protect my stomach from ulcers and such. And I'll be on the vitamins the rest of my life. I have also discovered that when my new little stomach is full that I hiccup twice. A good warning system to have so I don't overeat. I've also realized in the last two weeks that this is harder than I thought it would be but I'm glad I did it because it's leading me to a healthier life.

A Bump and Pothole in The Highway

If you grew up on a ranch or a farm like me, then you might understand when you hit a pothole or bump in the road it can be jarring but it may also knock a little mud off the rig or cause a light to start working again- did I mention, you're driving a ranch rig. For those that don't know what a ranch rig is- it's a truck (pickup or bigger) that hauls stuff, gets in a fight with livestock or trees and has the dents and scratches to prove it and is usually covered in mud or dirt. Sometimes it doesn't have all the wiring for all the taillights (if the red covering is even still there). There is usually a shovel, rope and probably baling twine, wire or duct tape somewhere in or on the truck. You never know if you are going to need to fix a fence, dig a hole, kill a rattlesnake or put something back together. It always looks worse for wear and a if you go to town with it, people may stare. It might belch and choke out smoke but it will be dependent and get you where you need to be and get the job done. And there are always trucks in the yard to take parts off to keep it running.

I remember once as a kid, we were shipping cattle to Madras for the auction and we were in town with the stock truck and were pulled over at Belknap and 2nd street. The officer said the taillight/break light wasn't working. dad got out and kicked, it came on so the officer let us go on our way.

Sometimes I feel like the old ranch truck. I may not be the fastest or quickest but I will keep pushing and get the job done. I won't be the prettiest or smallest truck in the lot but I know I can keep pushing forward. Funny thing is- when you don't always get the best fuel or when you keep pushing forward with no road- sometimes your body gets a dent or scratch. Sometimes those dents and scratches are in places people can't see. And sometimes you have to hit a bump to shake something loose and then a pothole to make a light turn on.

Almost a year ago, I hit a bump in the road- I was 275 pounds and miserable. I couldn't fit into any of my clothes, I hurt all over and I didn't really like myself.I had done dieting and exercise for years and it wasn't working.  I asked a friend to go with me to an orientation for weight-loss surgery. I felt like I had given up on myself and was taking the easy way out. In October I started working out at my gym and I love it. I really do. However, I almost walked out after 3 weeks. I had a nutrition appointment and I left pissed and I cried. I thought about quitting because I was asked why I was overweight and what my problem was. Why I had been this way my entire life and couldn't do it on my own. The truth is I've been overweight my entire life. I weighed over 200 pounds when I graduated high school. I didn't know or trust the guy- he doesn't know all the scars and fears that have made me who I am and very few people know my full story because I really don't trust that many people. It's surprising when I hear people say how open and honest I am because I'm only open and honest to a point and it's not far for me.

Food has always been my friend. It never judge me or make me feel bad. It was a way to keep people away- to protect myself. To have a reason for why people don't like me instead of it just being me. I think quite a few people feel this way. It takes a lot of energy to fake being happy and content.   But how do you tell someone who has always been thin and who doesn't know you that there is a protection in food and being fat. People will judge you for being fat not for being broken and feeling a bit like a fraud. So I hit a bump and decided to make a change. It hasn't been easy. It's been 11 months of supervised weight loss, a psych eval and a medical scope to see how my stomach is.

By the time my scope came around, I had been comfortable at the gym and was thinking of canceling the scope and surgery and trying to go at again with diet and exercise. I had a friend encourage me to go ahead with the scope to see if there was something causing all my stomach issues. This is the pothole- They found a spot and it came back cancer so I am back to having surgery but not fully for weight loss. And I'm thankful it was caught early and that I just have to have surgery. It was like a light went back off and made me realize I need to make my health and myself a priority.

My biggest worry in all of this has actually been how I will be as a patient- meaning how do I let someone else take care of me. It's not normal- I am usually the one that takes care of others after surgery, having babies, moving, or helping when husbands are deployed. I'm haven't been the one being taken care of since I was a little girl.

So in a few weeks, I'll have surgery. Is it going to cure me- no. It is just another tool, like eating healthy and working out. Do I know what my future holds- no. I've never been under 200 pounds in my adult life. I know that I won't be in as much pain with my hips and knees and I am hoping that I won't end up with heart disease or diabetes like family members but I'm working to make myself better. And I discovered something in this almost year long journey. If you don't like me or you feel the need to talk about me- it's ok because your opinion of who I am or what I am doing, doesn't really matter. I have friends that I know love me for me (good and bad) and not for who I can pretend to be) I also have learned that I'm stronger. I used to have regret and worry about things in my past. I realized that I've been forgive for my part and that the devil was using it to keep me from moving forward. I still have those days but they are less and less.

Breakfasts on the Farm

With my new gig, I help coordinate the annual Farm City Breakfasts that my county Farm Bureau hosts. It's the opportunity for both farmers and ranchers to join with their city neighbors to have a breakfast on a farm, nursery or dairy and talk about things important to them.

We partner with each of the county Board of Supervisors and have a breakfast in their district with them and their staff and constituents. It's rather fun for some to get out on a farm or dairy and learn something or see something new. As many years as I've been in ag and working in Arizona, I'm pretty used to how our farms and ranches work- even our dairies.

But I've seen a few things that are unique- such as bison. One of our dairymen have bison and Watusi bulls along with the normal dairy cattle. They gave a show of turning them into another pasture which meant that they ran to the new pasture so we dubbed it "Running with the Bison."

I've also met some really cool people at each of these events. I've gotten to know some of our members really well and see a different side of them from the meeting personality I normally see.

Reflecting

I was thinking of what my new resolutions were going to be for the next year. I think I did pretty well with the last ones.

I think that I have accomplished a couple of those. Its a continuous process on being healthier. I did allow a few doors to close on a few dreams of mine in order to try something new or challenging in my life. I've let a few people go in order to have a healthier mind and be more confident and secure in my life. If I am to be honest, I have some regrets in some of the choices I made- or maybe regret is the wrong word, but I wonder if sometimes I made the right decision. But God has a plan and even if it was a wrong decision, the outcome with be the same, it may just take a little longer. 

I ended the year with a little less debt and I am still working on that for this next year. I struggle to slow down and spend time with more people. I took a new job thinking I would be home more but I just traded the 1-3 hour drive into an 1-1.5 rush hour commute. That will change come April and maybe I'll have more time to learn to sew, scrapbook, or get back to training for a half. 

I think this year my theme is going to be about having a new me. I feel like this is going to be my year. I have my goals and I'm working on them and I have people in place to encourage and keep me moving steadily onward.

For 2016 I want to do the following:

End the year healthier than I started

End the year with a little less debt

Spend more quality time with those I care about

Visit Alaska and cross something off my bucket list

Bake bread and learn to make scones

Till Next Time

The last couple of weeks I've been attending our county annual meetings. I accepted a new job earlier this month. So this as our state president has said is my "No Tears" Tour. Problem is I cry every time because when you work along side amazing people for eight years they become family and it's hard to say goodbye knowing that yes you will still see them but not regularly. I think of it as sending all my counties off to college hoping they are well prepared for the next phase.

My first stop of the tour was with Pima County. Stefanie Smallhouse and I started eight years ago with just a few other people and we worked hard, Stef more than me, to build it up. We met with elected officials, worked on issues and promoted ag. I have so many memories of those first years but two really pop out at me. The first one was a Food Check Out Day event we used to do with the grocery stores. We always picked the Super Bowl weekend and this one was no different. We would have our display just inside the door in the produce section,  and people would come in the door and spin the trivia wheel and ask a question. It was a huge success that year, I think it was mostly that Stef intimidated the customers to come over and spin the wheel. You can't really say no to pregnant woman who in the next few days would give birth to her son. And there are a few cool memories of her son that I have from when he was little- him getting so excited for his milk bottle and the time he snatched Stefanie's sandwich off her plate.

The other story involves her daughter. We spent so many times meeting and working to build the county and learn together as we were figuring how to make the situation work and be positive that she was always telling her daughter that she was headed to meet me for a Farm Bureau meeting that I just became known as "Meeting Lady number 1." Stef and Andy's daughter also has holds many fun memories for me as well. They have turned out to be great kids and have grown up so fast.

The next stop on the tour was with Cochise. In the beginning I struggled with Cochise. It was personalities but you don't get to pick who you work with and from those struggles, I learned a lot about board dynamics and how the board can interact with the community. They too have come a long way. They have really worked hard to become part of the community and work on local issues and be an organization that is looked to for leadership within the community. From them I learned that sometimes the person in charge is not always the person who runs the meeting (from an influential position).  With them I tended to say the stupidest things. Such as, I was headed out to their meeting several years ago and had just come back from spending time with family in Florida. As I was passing a car it hit a deer and the deer flew up and over my truck spraying my hood and windshield with blood. Seeing their car in the rear view mirror I pulled over to call 911 and wait with them. I made the mistake of mentioning when I finally made it to the meeting that for a split second I thought the deer looked like an alligator as it flew over my windshield. They haven't let me forget it.

But I'm super proud of what they have grown to be and know, just like with all the counties, they have so much more potential. They stepped up when tragedy hit the community and pushed safety campaigns. The looked at the new industries within ag that were coming into the community and saw a need for grain bin training and worked with my counterparts in Mississippi to train and educate both farmers and first responders.

So as I look back with fond memories on these two counties I am grateful and feel blessed that I could live life, work along side them and cheer them on for accomplishing so much. It's been an honor to work for them all these years.

Ranch Girl Jams went to Dallas

Last weekend I attended the Jamberry International Conference. I'm a consultant and I love it! I can finally have cute nails. When you grow up on a ranch, it's hard to have cute nails. In  college, my roommates gave me a gift card for acrylic nails for Christmas and I had them done the night before I went home. The next morning I broke 3 picking up the bales of hay feeding the cattle.

Then my friend Jodi came along and gave me a sample of a new product she was excited about and selling. I tried it and loved it and it lasted longer than 4 hours the next morning. So she was my dealer (for Jams- a.k.a. Jamberry) until January when I jumped in.

I love the product but I also love the company and love that I am a small business owner. Yes I have parties- mostly online to my friends who live hours or states away and I sell a product. But I realized this weekend that my product is a lifestyle product. Jodi went with me to Dallas and she's all about encouraging women to be healthy and supportive of the healthy lifestyle- her jam business is about running.

So this weekend was the international conference. I was able to meet people that I'd only heard about in passing. I hung out with some cool chics who are part of the legacy of the business and who until this weekend, honestly I thought was just some cool ladies who loved style, had similar interests and were just like me- then I saw their names on the Founders Circle Wall and when you said they were your team leader it was like I knew a rock star. To me they will be just be Bethany and Elizabeth not "OH MY GOSH YOU ARE {insert name here}!!!!

I saw the business side of the company. They brought in author's and experts in the field- outside of the nail business- to give us knowledge on building our businesses and marketing ourselves and our businesses. It could be applied to selling nail products, computer software or even cattle or crops direct marketed to the public. It was just amazing!

But here's what I really walked away with... I saw women coming

together to build each other up and encourage each other not tear them down. As I said my friend Jodi was with me- when we showed up she really was the only person I really knew, I knew by acquaintance a few others. In Jodi, I knew I had my friend. And as she says we are Ying and Yang. I'll talk to anyone or jump up to have my picture taken with someone walking by. She conquers the small talk that I struggle at.  But we were there to bridge our weaknesses and be a team. I learned that I can ride a bull  (very slowly)when I don't have people around to judge me. And that friends can be reach out to you and ask how they can be supportive of trying to eat better and make better choices without feeling like you are being pressured. I have several people who are supportive of me but it took a specific sentence spoken in trust for me to finally get it.

And then I finished the weekend feeling excited for what is to come both in my personal life, career life and my Ranch Girl Jams life. I am a very blessed person. I always have been but when your view of yourself shifts you discover a new part of you.

This Crazy Life I Live

My friend Dana is home for a couple weeks- she and her family live in the UAE and they teach but get to come home for some time during the summer. While she's been home we have had some great conversations that I've really missed over the last two years. The kind that you just can't get with a friend through text messages, Facebook and such. The good kind that come with face to face, heart felt conversations.

I have those conversations with some of my friends- it's nice because we can walk, go to coffee, travel or just hang out at a house and have real conversations about our fears, our joys and the things we struggle with and we get encouragement and friends who are willing to stop in the middle of a sidewalk- circle up and pray for one's family or come with them and sit with them during an orientation for a big step in a new journey. There's never dumb questions or tearing each other down because we need to feel better.

Looking back on the previous post- which I can't believe was last year- I've journeyed a little and started to accomplish my list. I've pruned some people from my life because I don't need to feed my own negativity or fear- I do that just fine on my own. I've crossed things off my bucket list. I've prayed for friends who have lost loved ones and been reminded how life is fragile and fleeting.  I've conquered challenges, had my pride hurt but worked through it and had to accept some truths in my life that have then allowed me to see a window that is giving me hope and peace.

I've thought over the last six months how blessed I am. I have a wonderful job and I get to work with amazing people who humbly work 365 days a year to feed and clothe the world. I have amazing friends who encourage and build me up but also call me on my crap. I have two good, solid small groups that I have learned a lot about myself and my walk with God. And I have friends who I've never met in person but only through social media that inspire me and challenge me to rediscover my passions- reading, my faith, service.

It all comes down to something I read last month in my book club. If you are going to speak the truth in love- it will hurt both the speaker and the listener. If you don't hurt to speak the truth but you are going to find joy in it then it's not being done in love. I've had some honest and frank conversations the past six months- some spoken in love and those are the ones being taken to heart.

We all face challenges in our lives- it's how we face our challenges that speaks volumes on who we are and what we believe in.

New Year New Goals

As 2014 winds down I have started to think about what I want to accomplish next year. I don't use the word "resolutions" because they are more like goals to work towards or improvements in my life.

For 2015 I want to do the following:

End the year healthier than I started.

Let more doors close in my life to be able to see the open windows waiting.

End the year with  a little less debt.

To slow down and spend more quality time with people I care about.

I have my bucket list items to work on but I really want to enjoy this upcoming year and not look back.  I want to live more, love more, and have fewer regrets.

I know there are going to be some ends such as doing my last half marathon but I also know that there are some great beginnings in store for me- I just don't know what they are but I'm looking forward to finding out what they are.

So until next year- I hope you have fond and wonderful memories from this year and hope for what is to come in the next.

Bucket List Challenge

For my 40th birthday a few weeks ago, my friends gave me suggestions for things to add to my bucket list. There are lots of things from the less challenging of going to a brush bar and painting a picture to things needing more planning such as ride an elephant in Thailand or swim with the dolphins (I don't know how to swim). Others are going to be a year long process- cook a new recipe a week for a year or take a picture a day for a year.  And then there are going to be some that I know will change my life- going on a mission trip is on the list. And not to be selfish, I want my trip to be something related to agriculture or orphanages. I want to get down in the dirt with people.

I'm looking forward to experiencing each one and sharing the process along the way. I'm going to have fun even if I'm scared (zip lining in the Catalina Islands). I am going to try and blog each Friday about my bucket list challenge. I'll share what I did and if I would say it's a success or not.

 

Today I started my first challenge which was to cook a new recipe each week. I decided to try garlic mashed cauliflower. Every one talks about how it can be just like mashed potatoes. It was easy to make but it wasn't the same as real mashed potatoes . I thought of my friend Sarah and how she gave me a great recipe for using cauliflower to make pizza crust. They live over an hour from town so Joe made the comment that "in the land of no pizza, cauliflower pizza is king." The same could be for the mashed potatoes if they are one of your comfort foods.

I used the recipe from allrecipes.com and I realized that I don't always have the proper utensil but that an ice cream scooper can crush a garlic clove just fine but they are a little slippery and I used almost and entire garlic thingy (very technical) just getting two cloves smashed. And I burnt the first one so I had to start over. I used Queen Creek Olive Mill Olive Oil.

I have a small food processor and so I had to do process the cauliflower in small batches but it seemed to work just fine. After mixing all the ingredients in it didn't seem like it mixed well so I heated it the microwave and it seemed to mix up just fine.  And there was enough to have it with dinner for a few meals this week.

It will be a recipe that I make in the future and next week I'm going to attempt butternut squash soup. Eventually I'll try something hard like scones or something.

 

Agriculture and Generations

In agriculture always talk of and promote the generational farming or ranching. I have friends who have said they are fourth, fifth or even sixth generation farmers or ranchers.

In the Farm Bureau world, we have just finished up the county annual meetings and are now working towards the state annual meeting. This year I was struck by how much Farm Bureau, Cattle Growers, Cotton Growers or what ever organization can also have generational involvement.

Marvin and Myrle accepting the Heritage Award for the Marlatt Family

In Yuma, the county recognized a family for their Heritage Award. This award is for long term service to Farm Bureau. The family had the father serving as a member of the board and officer for decades and he even was a state vice president then he continued to serve the county as president as well. He has since passed away but his sons, who I work with now serve on the county board and have served as county president or other offices. One of the grandsons is also involved and part of the county board. In talking with them, I  asked why they were members and their response was it was part of who our family is. Mom and and Dad were involved and it was expected of us as well. They have two other brothers who followed along in the civic service in several organizations that their father served in besides Farm Bureau. 

Jay Larson recognizing Arden Palmer for his service to Farm Bureau

This thought of generational involvement in organizations was reiterated to me again when I was in Graham County for their county annual meeting and the current president recognized a former county leader for his Heritage Award. This recipient had served the county Farm Bureau in the late 50's and early 60's and then went on to serve in other community groups and his church. What moved me was that his children are involved and serving their community because of the example he gave. One is currently a county board of supervisor and I don't even know what the rest of his children have done but I can tell you that a few of his grandsons have served on the county board over the years and possibly some of his children. His son-in-law was the county president when I started working in the field and really showed me how to be a good field person. And one of his grandsons and is currently the county president- following in the footsteps of his father and grandfather. It was the grandson recognizing the grandfather for his service to agriculture and the county.

These were just two examples of counties that have generational involvement. Most of my counties have uncles, nieces  nephews  sons and daughters serving together and they aren't unique. I'm sure there are many counties in every state that generations serving together.

 At Farm Bureau, working with members daily, results in many of them becoming like family and as a staff person you cheer them on when they or their family does something great and you pray for them when they are hurting or struggling. And I am very fortunate because I get the opportunity in many cases to work with both the parent and children who are farming and ranching together and serving their community together. If I stay long enough, I may even be privileged to work with the third generation at Farm Bureau and see them become the next officer or board member.

Youth Camp- Lessons and Memories

Two weeks ago, I left very early (3 am) from my house and made a stop to pick up some kids then traveled on to church to then we took 10 kids to youth camp. I love it because our kids are amazing up there. They don't have the distractions that we have at home. And this camp- Glorietta- isn't like the youth camp I went to in the Ochoco National Forest in Oregon. This camp has rooms that have key cards, private bathrooms and Wi-Fi not to mention tons of activities- hiking, battleball, soccer, basketball, board games, swimming  art- the list goes on. But some things are the same. Volunteers- older ladies and gentlemen that come and volunteer to cook and take care of the grounds and man the main gate or do any other task. Leaders who take vacation time from their normal jobs to come and be with the students for a week so they can have have the opportunity to experience God and worship and learning. As an adult now that goes, I have a much deeper appreciation for the adults that took the time to pour into myself and my friends each summer.

The week we came back, there were thunder and lighting storms back home in Oregon and currently there is a large fire threatening Crystal Springs Camp- the camp I spent many summers at for family or youth camp. I was upset that the camp may be burned and destroyed not because of the camp itself but for what it represents- the opportunity for people to come together and worship and learn about God as well as build relationships. I'm sentimental so I was also upset that the stump that I sat on outside of the Chapel when I accepted Christ may be burned and destroyed. It's just a stump and there are many stumps but it's the value of what is tied to that stump that made me an emotional wreck. All because the week prior we spent the week talking about BE-ing: BE His, BE Last, BE Real and BE Bold. After 27 years I finally got some things to sink into my thick skull while I was in Glorietta. I love taking our kids because I think I learn more and experience more right next to them. It could be in a conversation about how I grew up and how I see myself in them or it could be me apologizing to the junior high girls for my lack of patience late one night. I grow at camp as an adult in my faith just as much as I hope the kids attending grow.

I never understood the value of my salvation as a gift. I still try and do something for it. You know, someone gives you a really great gift and you don't deserve it but you try and find something to give back. The example that finally made it clear to me was a loan. You pay the loan in full but the next month and each month after that you keep going to the bank to try and make a payment on something that has already been paid for.  But that's not how our salvation works. There aren't any strings attached even though we try and attach strings or conditions to our salvation. Don't get me wrong- when you come to Christ your heart is changed and you want to serve others and put them and their needs before yours.  We don't serve to earn favor from God but rather as a response to what he has done for us.

We are also called to be real. That means the person we are on Sunday morning or Wednesday night at church is the same person Monday at the office, Tuesday in traffic, Thursday with the repairman, Friday at the restaurant and Saturday working in your yard. We need to have people in our lives that know the real person to call us on our stuff. This doesn't mean judge- I grew up feeling judged but rather to love us and tell us what we are doing wrong and not just what we are doing right. Everyone does wrong and what is wrong or right isn't determined by me but by God. Many times we have a better opinion of our sin that God does and we compare our sins to others to not feel as bad but just like the white speck on top of the chicken poop is still poop, our pretty sins are just as bad as the ugly ones. By being real with each other we can also be bold in our faith. We can be serving others while showing our faith and it doesn't have to be in a Bible- bashing or stereotypical christian judgement kind of way. It can be through our actions and many times those who are most bold in there faith are the ones changing the diapers, cleaning up the lawn or just in the background making it possible for someone to experience Christ- just like the four guys who lowered their friend in to a room from the ceiling just to see Jesus.

Some may be offended by this post and that's ok. I talk a lot about many topics and the last two weeks with camp and the fires has really made me think about what I learned at camp over the years and the people who were being last so that kids like me and my friends or kids that went last week or any of these weeks through the summer could have an experience that changes the direction of their lives eternally.