Monday, May 02, 2016

A Bump and Pothole in The Highway

If you grew up on a ranch or a farm like me, then you might understand when you hit a pothole or bump in the road it can be jarring but it may also knock a little mud off the rig or cause a light to start working again- did I mention, you're driving a ranch rig. For those that don't know what a ranch rig is- it's a truck (pickup or bigger) that hauls stuff, gets in a fight with livestock or trees and has the dents and scratches to prove it and is usually covered in mud or dirt. Sometimes it doesn't have all the wiring for all the taillights (if the red covering is even still there). There is usually a shovel, rope and probably baling twine, wire or duct tape somewhere in or on the truck. You never know if you are going to need to fix a fence, dig a hole, kill a rattlesnake or put something back together. It always looks worse for wear and a if you go to town with it, people may stare. It might belch and choke out smoke but it will be dependent and get you where you need to be and get the job done. And there are always trucks in the yard to take parts off to keep it running.

I remember once as a kid, we were shipping cattle to Madras for the auction and we were in town with the stock truck and were pulled over at Belknap and 2nd street. The officer said the taillight/break light wasn't working. dad got out and kicked, it came on so the officer let us go on our way.

Sometimes I feel like the old ranch truck. I may not be the fastest or quickest but I will keep pushing and get the job done. I won't be the prettiest or smallest truck in the lot but I know I can keep pushing forward. Funny thing is- when you don't always get the best fuel or when you keep pushing forward with no road- sometimes your body gets a dent or scratch. Sometimes those dents and scratches are in places people can't see. And sometimes you have to hit a bump to shake something loose and then a pothole to make a light turn on.

Almost a year ago, I hit a bump in the road- I was 275 pounds and miserable. I couldn't fit into any of my clothes, I hurt all over and I didn't really like myself.I had done dieting and exercise for years and it wasn't working.  I asked a friend to go with me to an orientation for weight-loss surgery. I felt like I had given up on myself and was taking the easy way out. In October I started working out at my gym and I love it. I really do. However, I almost walked out after 3 weeks. I had a nutrition appointment and I left pissed and I cried. I thought about quitting because I was asked why I was overweight and what my problem was. Why I had been this way my entire life and couldn't do it on my own. The truth is I've been overweight my entire life. I weighed over 200 pounds when I graduated high school. I didn't know or trust the guy- he doesn't know all the scars and fears that have made me who I am and very few people know my full story because I really don't trust that many people. It's surprising when I hear people say how open and honest I am because I'm only open and honest to a point and it's not far for me.

Food has always been my friend. It never judge me or make me feel bad. It was a way to keep people away- to protect myself. To have a reason for why people don't like me instead of it just being me. I think quite a few people feel this way. It takes a lot of energy to fake being happy and content.   But how do you tell someone who has always been thin and who doesn't know you that there is a protection in food and being fat. People will judge you for being fat not for being broken and feeling a bit like a fraud. So I hit a bump and decided to make a change. It hasn't been easy. It's been 11 months of supervised weight loss, a psych eval and a medical scope to see how my stomach is.

By the time my scope came around, I had been comfortable at the gym and was thinking of canceling the scope and surgery and trying to go at again with diet and exercise. I had a friend encourage me to go ahead with the scope to see if there was something causing all my stomach issues. This is the pothole- They found a spot and it came back cancer so I am back to having surgery but not fully for weight loss. And I'm thankful it was caught early and that I just have to have surgery. It was like a light went back off and made me realize I need to make my health and myself a priority.

My biggest worry in all of this has actually been how I will be as a patient- meaning how do I let someone else take care of me. It's not normal- I am usually the one that takes care of others after surgery, having babies, moving, or helping when husbands are deployed. I'm haven't been the one being taken care of since I was a little girl.

So in a few weeks, I'll have surgery. Is it going to cure me- no. It is just another tool, like eating healthy and working out. Do I know what my future holds- no. I've never been under 200 pounds in my adult life. I know that I won't be in as much pain with my hips and knees and I am hoping that I won't end up with heart disease or diabetes like family members but I'm working to make myself better. And I discovered something in this almost year long journey. If you don't like me or you feel the need to talk about me- it's ok because your opinion of who I am or what I am doing, doesn't really matter. I have friends that I know love me for me (good and bad) and not for who I can pretend to be) I also have learned that I'm stronger. I used to have regret and worry about things in my past. I realized that I've been forgive for my part and that the devil was using it to keep me from moving forward. I still have those days but they are less and less.