My small group is starting a new study this week- Max Lucado's Fearless. I read the first chapter at lunch and had a 45 minute drive home to contemplate what he said and the questions he asked. I think this study may kick my butt but it will also make me a better person when I am done. You may or may not agree with me on faith issues but for me I have seen His work in my life and I'll share an example or two that has to do with fear. I warn you this is a rather long post.
The first chapter is about when Jesus and the disciples were in the storm and the disciples were freaking out because the ship was rocking (the term used was what we use to describe earthquakes) and they thought they were going to die and the whole time Jesus is sleeping. It's cool- He had it under control and was with one word able to calm the seas.
Jesus totally knew there was going to be a crazy storm and he was going to calm the sea and he knew they would freak out and be afraid. But he let it happen anyway. Let that sink in... I had too- He let it happen anyway. There was a lesson to learn. And for me in my fearful times I had to depend on him to get me through and I had to focus on him. My fear was not rational and it took time away from being able to focus on the good. Now that I am past many of my fearful experiences or life lessons I can see clearly the lesson or the steps along the way.
I still have crazy fears- like heights and snakes and being in a body of water and not being able to touch bottom. They are the kind of fear that I become a totally insane and irrational person. If you have been with me when I've been in an elevator that goes higher than 5 floors you know what I mean.
But in life there are fears we all have- job loss, finances, friendships, love and health. We sometimes fear that someone isn't going to like us or if we contradict or disagree with our boss we will lose our job or that some health crisis is going to spin our lives out of control. Funny thing is both of the major health crisis's in my life that I completely panicked on was totally out of my control after I came through the crisis.
The first experience was when my dad had to have open heart surgery about 14 years ago. He was afraid we were going to lose the ranch because we didn't have health insurance and I had just graduated about 9 months earlier from college but hadn't found a job yet. ,I on the other hand, decided that losing the ranch wasn't an option and so began my next three months of just taking one step at a time and focusing on my next check box. It was a total God thing because I was so lost and so overwhelmed but also so calm (at least for my dad- I didn't want to him to see me cry because I needed to be the person to take care of him- the strong one.) So we found out he had to have all his teeth taken out for fear of heart issues later. So we began the process of each week driving the 100 miles round trip to the dentist to have him pull a few teeth then go back the next week to remove stitches and pull a few more. The next step was to figure out how to have the operation with out insurance and still keep the ranch. It was going to be in the thousands to have this surgery. Thankfully my dad had just spent the last 20 years working for the neighbor's ranch in addition to having our own place. This neighbor was an open heart doctor who had traveled the world training and starting heart hospitals. He said his team would operate for free (nice employee benefit!). We would still need to pay for the hospital and that would still be a lot of money. Then we had a phone call from a friend in town who asked if I had checked with the Veteran's Hospital because my dad had military service and they might be able to help. After a few phone calls we found out that they would allow the operation but they didn't have a heart team at their hospital in Portland but we had one so three months after we found out dad needed surgery he had it and it only cost us $700 for the use of the operating room. So God was totally in control of the situation and there wasn't anything to be afraid of. But afterwards that was when I was afraid. My grandma had the same surgery and three months had a stroke and died. So for several months I became Nurse Crachet and was crazy about his nutrition an what he was allowed to eat going so far as to set his coffee pot on fire so he wouldn't drink coffee. And for four months after my dad had surgery I would lay awake at night listening to him breathe because I was so afraid he would have a stroke and die and I would be alone. It's totally crazy because I can't control a stroke or his breathing but I thought that as long as I could hear him breathe or he didn't drink coffee or soda everything would be OK.
The second and more quickly explained crazy fear was a few months ago when I had a health scare and there was a possibility of having the same open heart surgery. The thought of having surgery and the limitations of driving and lifting and exercise didn't scare me or make me nervous. What I was afraid of and freaked out about... the fact that I would have a scar on my chest and that a room full of doctors and nurses would see me naked.
All I am saying is sometimes fear has a funny way of showing up or we think we can control it when God is probably shaking his head saying don't worry- I got this.
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