There's a lot of songs on my IPOD that cover a lot of genres. I have from Elvis and Aretha Franklin to Dolly Parton and Conway Twitty to more current country such as Aaron Watson, Stoney LaRue and George Strait; to Maroon 5, Bruno Mars and Eminem. I know that some of those songs and artists aren't great to listen to but when you are coming home from one corner of the state late at night after sitting through a meeting where we talk about critical issues like water, border security - and not just the philosophy of it but the reality of living and running a ranch on the border, livestock diseases and regulations to name a few. As summer rolls on sometimes the days get really long and the nights really short. There's been times when I have had a 7 pm meeting in St. Johns (NE corner of the state) and I have to be in Yuma the next day at noon (SW corner of the state). But I feel like a hypocrite for listening to some of the more explicit songs because although they keep me awake they aren't what I would say is good for the soul. They create some awkward moments if your dad is in the truck with you on some Saving Abel or Buckcherry songs I sometimes joke that when a Kid Rock song comes on between an old gospel song of Alan Jackson and Sidewalk Profits that he needed a little Jesus.
I spend a lot of my windshield time thinking about stuff- life, lessons being learned, what's happening in the lives of my friends, farmers, ranchers and loved ones. And a lot of times the songs I listen to are a reflection of my mood and what I'm thinking about on those drives. I love songs that give me hope in my faith or in life in general. There are some great songs out there by some really great artists that I learn lessons through or that God uses to teach me and sometimes it's not even the words but the actual music.
I've been struggling a little in my walk with God for a few months. It doesn't seem like a big struggle when compared to others. I just haven't been faithful or consistent in my prayer life... I have been praying for people who are dealing with health or life crisis but as for me I haven't been talking to God about me. I feel as though I don't feel like praying or having a conversation with God about my life and my wants and needs- part of me feels like it doesn't matter (I know that it does in my head but my heart doesn't feel like that right now). But I feel like I do when I am listening to songs. I know it sounds a little crazy but I feel like it's a prayer about not praying when I hear Kip Moore sing "Faith When I Fall." Then there's the whole albums of Alan Jackson's gospel songs and Aaron Watson's album Barbed Wire Halo and pretty much most of his songs. I've been listening to "I've Always Loved You" and "Sonshine" a lot in the last few days. I feel like my soul is taking to God when I am driving and listening to those songs.
Admitting that I'm not praying is ironic considering that I've been reading my Bible more the last month because I'm doing a Beth Moore study on James. Can you be reading your Bible more but be praying less? I do corporate prayer with church and the youth. And if there's a burden a friend is carrying I pray for them while driving, running or when they cross my thoughts or I see their name in my phone but I just can't bring myself to pray for myself. And in part it's because of James 1:6-7 "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord."
I may have stopped praying because I'm tired of praying for desires of my heart and I have given up. I haven't given up my faith and I do believe in prayer and what can happen with prayer. I read this verse a couple weeks ago and since then I've been trying to decided if asking for my one desire in life and not receiving it is because I've just not had enough faith. I have gone through portions of my life when I ask consistently in prayer and then other times when I haven't but never given up hope. Now I wonder if it even matters. When I pray for dumb things (in the grand scheme of things) I feel like the child that is constantly saying "mom, mom, mom,mom" patting the leg or pulling the sleeve of God when he has more important things to actually take care of - like the children who are starving not only from food but from love and security, the person who is being abused or the family who is homeless. The totally human-self-absorbed-planner person within me would like God to just show me the map of my life so I can at least know some of the big things. I already know where I will end up but what about some of the journey in between. There is more joy, awe and wonder in things you see that you never thought you would see or do because they are unexpected and so I still have faith that everything will work out for His glory and good.
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